Friday, 24 January 2014

24th January 2014 - Home Alone Diaries - Day 3: Don't put eggs in your pocket

Note to self:
"If sleepy when collecting eggs - don't put them in your shirt pocket and forget them"

It was not really my fault. It all started with the "specially reduced" Cheddar Cheese in Whisky, and a glass of Tesco Cheap and Nasty Ruby Port ( which I rather like but I may be influenced by the price). The Duck Pate in Port, (half price today only) added a bit of zest, and an evening on he computer. No I do not play games and MMROGS whatever they may be, though I occasionally have to log on as the dog to load up Bubble Witch or Candy Flash or some similar game to unlock a friend or help Susie gain another level. In this case I was mainly doing a little drawing, checking the tax returns and sorting some of the bank accounts.


And checking Twitter. Not much happening on Twitter and I am singularly unimpressed at the moment.  But I thought I should give it a chance - enough people seem to enjoy it - but more watch Celebrity Big Brother and "I am a congenital idiot - get me out of here!" so numbers are not really very helpful in gathering its worth. I turn the television off after five repeats of the current story, so really do not want the Guardian or BBC informing me of the same story, unbidden - as I am not following them, in 140 characters or less. I am now following 84 people that I have found - and in most cases already have on Facebook - and am followed by 34 - most of whom I know. I un-followed ( is that a word?? ) one who kept tweeting political views with which I have little sympathy. And Really could do without on my social media. But, one page was open on the laptop by my side - and every so often it would say "3 more tweets".  I still say that the best conversation so far has been with my Author friend Sarah - but that may be because she tweeted that Vollsanger was awesome in every universe..  This is the sort of information that should be out there all the time - but sadly is not...

So, the computers led to the pate and cheese and the glass of port led to a rather good film about Roman Cohorts and Early Roman Britain - the Eagle I think it was. Far fetched maybe - but going down well with the Austrian Smoked Cheese. On the subject of Austrian Smoked Cheese - the one in the long tube with brownish covering and metal wraps at the end - you know the sort. Have you ever tried opening one with a blunt knife? It is almost impossible! Stab it!! Saw it !! Bounce it off the chopping board!! No joy. And the longer it takes the more you feel that you really would like "just a small taste". In our house, fetching another "sharper" knife involves a traipse downstairs and across the house to the kitchen. Surrounded with Cheddar in Whisky, Pate and a glass of port - this seems like an excessive amount of energy, and would require putting the television onto pause..... Other solutions have to be found.....

Now on Youtube there is a fine video showing how to open a bottle of wine with a leather shoe - by hitting it gently against the wall. There is also another video showing how to open  any can without a can opener, by rubbing it against concrete gently and putting a little pressure...  But I have looked,. There is no video showing how to open Austrian Smoked Cheese with a blunt knife - or no knife at all !!!.

There is inspiration everywhere, and in this case I noticed an entry on Facebook which read "You are in a Zombie Apocolypse...  You are being attached and you are alone. The item to your left is your only weapon - what do you kill the Zombie with??" This is the sort of posting I normally ignore completely - but on this occasion I chanced a look to my left and saw a credit card bill and a ball point pen. "Well" I thought, "If these two things could kill a zombie - I am sure that they could be used to sort my small Cheese problem..."


Well the interest rates on the credit card might reduce the zombie to a crying wreck in time but I could not see much assistance in the Cheese Opening even if it "would do nicely!"  But the Ball point pen???  Now we are talking...

After ten minutes of pondering and struggling - there is an immense satisfaction in stabbing an Austrian Smoked Cheese Tube with a cheap biro, and seeing the covering split, and the white contents bulge towards the Tesco Value crackers.... Satisfaction at last...

But that is not why I put an egg in my pocket. It was after the film about the Romans and perhaps another glass of Port to go with the, now released, Austrian Smoked Cheese, that I should have decided that it was clearly time for bed. The dogs had already decided that they may as well crawl away into the bedroom, but the cheeseboard really needed to be taken downstairs before the "specially reduced" Stilton decided to crawl into the strange crack in the bedroom wall which disappears when you are not looking at it... Persuading the dogs that they really ought to have a final visit outside before going to bed involved standing in the rain for a few minutes - It did not seem to be very cold out there... May be the port....


I should have decide to go to bed then - but as I returned to check the entries "just one last time" I saw that the Seven Samurai was just starting on TV. Wouldn't harm to just watch the beginning. Long time since I had watched it, and still love the Magnificent Seven, and I remember watching for the parallels last time ...
I should have gone to bed then! Seven Samurai is a long film! I knew it was a long film. It has always been a long film. It is not going to be any shorter in the middle of the night - though if you put it on hold for a couple of minutes to start - you can skip lots of adverts on the way !!.   But it is still a long film whichever way you look at it...   and there was this bottle of scotch.....

No matter how late you go to bed, the Dogs seem to want to rise at the same time every morning - and if the dogs need to go out - then you may as well stumble down the garden and open the Chicken coup. As the birds fly out you may as well  check for the eggs. They really should have stopped laying by now - but still give us one or two each day - enough for breakfast and the occasional quiche...  Since you are working on automatic, it may be a good idea to chop a bit of brussel sprout bush and put it out for the girls to peck at...
For this you need a sharp implement, and rather than a ball point pen I used the garden shears - which requires both hands ...

Note to self:
"If sleepy when collecting eggs - don't put them in your shirt pocket and forget them"

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