Thought for the day:"Double negatives are a no-no!"
Address to the Haggis - updated
Address to a Haggis (with an all-new English translation)
Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the pudding-race!
Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o’a grace As lang’s my arm.
[Fair and full is your honest plump face Master of all non-specific sub-premium meat products! No other non-specific sub-premium meat product compares to your tastiness Regardless of which part of the digestive system it has been harvested from, Therefore you are most worthy of this poem Which is quite ridiculously long (given the subject matter).]
The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill In time o’need,
While thro’ your pores the dews distil Like amber bead.
[You fill the serving-dish to the brim And your arse looks like a hilltop in the distance, That little wooden stick could be used for major structural repairs If I were hallucinating and there was nothing else to hand, While unidentifiable liquids ooze about you Resembling the whisky that I’ve already drunk half a bottle of.]
His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An’ cut you up wi’ ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright, Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight, Warm-reekin’, rich!
[Watch and marvel as a man, so drunk he can barely stand up, attempts to clean a knife And stabs at you wildly with the least of precision Eventually making a gash in your nondescript innards Like a makeshift latrine in the woods, And then, O! what a glorious sight, The only thing in this godforsaken country that isn’t absolutely baltic!]
Then, horn for horn, they stretch an’ strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive, “Bethankit!” hums.
[Then, gobful after gobful, they scoff it down, Brawl over seconds, and continue scoffing, Until all their clinically obese bellies Become a gluttonous parody of human flesh, Then the fattest of the lot, on the verge of puking Mutters “Jesus fucking Christ that was good.”]
Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad make her spew Wi’ perfect sconner,
Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view On sic a dinner?
[Are there any people who, over their fine French food, Or Italian cooking that would make a pig wretch Or haute cuisine that would surely make it physically sick In total and utter disgust, Look down with a sneering and scornful attitude On a dinner like this?]
Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as wither’d rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash; His nieve a nit;
Thro’ bloody flood or field to dash, O how unfit!
[Poor healthy and cultured unfortunates! See them eating real food! They are as feeble as withered stalks, Their skinny legs as thin as rope, Their hands are tiny and effeminate, When it comes to travelling through peaty bogs and Bathgate They’ve got no chance!]
But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade, He’ll mak it whissle;
An’ legs an’ arms, an’ heads will sned, Like taps o’ thrissle.
[But look at the haggis-eating Scots, So great that the earth literally shakes beneath them as they walk. Give them knives, They’ll stab pretty much anyone! They’ll chop off legs, arms, and heads, Like the tops of the thistles they bizarrely revere.]
Ye Pow’rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o’ fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ prayer Gie her a haggis!
[O Gods, who watch over all humanity, And determine its fates and appetites, Give to Old Scotland no healthy and nutritious stuff That resembles something genuinely edible! But remember, we are proudly the ‘sick man of Europe’