*** BREAKING NEWS ***
EARTHQUAKE IN NEWPORT, SOUTH WALES.
An earthquake measuring 4.3 on the Richter scale hit Newport in the early hours, with the epicentre in the Pill area. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fuuuckinell".
The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. The South Wales Argus reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Newport. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "it was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning".
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of White Lightning to the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Full matching tracksuits
Nike Huarachi trainers
UGG Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Microwave meals, Pot Noodles, Tins of baked beans, ice cream, Cans of Strong Bow or Special Brew and of course pies.
22p buys a biro for filling in compensation forms.
£3 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£8 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.